Sinning Applicances

Here at the palatial Toad Hall Estate in Glittering Bellevue (by the shores of Gitche Gumee, by the Salish Sea Water) we often have challenges similar to what ordinary folks endure. For example when a household appliance goes TU.

Often at my house it’s the danged dish washer. I think we’ve had at least 8 over the last 35 years. Is that average? Who knows? Maybe I’m more sensitive than most but once a dishwasher pees on the kitchen floor I fire it and get a new one. I have a low tolerance for appliances that wet the bed.

OK, the latest appliance disaster is the water heater. The unpardonable sin of peeing on the floor spelled its doom. It is now fired.

Do you know what that means? First you have to do a quick web review of water heater ratings. They’re pretty much all alike. The big difference is the length of warrantee. You can get 6, 9, or 12 years. One has to assume that is also the useful life of the unit. If you get one with a 6 year warrantee you need to plan on replacing it in 6 years.

Here are the steps to take in replacing a water heater:

Charge up the iPod – You’ll need some soothing music while you work.

Order the new water heater – Use a credit card because you can later claim an energy credit on your income tax. I have no idea if this is true, but it’s worth a try.

Check the wine supply because you’ll need plenty of that.

Try to contain the flood using that wet/dry ShopVac you bought 23 years ago.

Get a new ShopVac.

Decide how you’ll drain the old water heater.

If you don’t drain it you can’t move it. The recycle people won’t take it either. It has to be empty. Use a garden hose to run the water outside the house not into the garage. If you just open the drain spigot it’ll flood the place and you’ll lose what’s left of your paper machete livestock collection. Oh, and turn off the circuit breaker to the water heater. It’s the one marked “garage lights” on the label. And make sure the cold water input line is shut off. You probably knew that. Open a hot water faucet upstairs to give it a source of air. Do we have to tell you everything?

If you ordered the water heater they probably want you to pick it up at a store. Don’t take the Yugo because it won’t fit. Take the Subaru. Take plenty of yarn because you’ll need to tie it to the roof rack.

I ordered mine from Sears. Yes, it’s true, Sears is still out there.

When I arrived at the merchandise pickup I found an empty room. There is a little airline checkin type gadget that talks. It wants you to touch places on the screen. They bought it at Sears.

I touched the big icon called “Pick Up Merchandise” since I was trying to do that. It asked me to swipe the credit card I used for the order. I didn’t have it. I pushed the “Don’t Have It” button. It wanted my name, house number, and zip code – just a few characters of each, not all of it.
Then it wanted me to swipe the credit card I used for the order. I pushed the “Don’t Have It” button and got the sinking feeling I was stuck at Sears pushing the “Don’t Have It” button for several days. However, it believed me this time and said a dude would be with me soon. My name appeared on a TV above the door with the number of minutes I had been there. I watched the minutes count up.

A guy came out and badly mispronounced my name. He called me Wallace. I corrected him and he said “Oh, right, you’re the water heater.” Minutes later he came back with a water heater and I very carefully checked to make sure it was the right one. Amazingly it was.

He loaded it for me and said “Thank you, Mr. Wallace, have a nice day.” I hope Mr. Wallace checks his credit card statement.

If you manage to get the new unit home get a couple of neighbors to help you move it into the house. Here’s why: at your age you don’t need all this manual labor. They do.

Oh, and while they’re in the basement maybe they could haul the old unit up to the curb for the recycle folks. Have a couple of beers ready for when they get done. It’s the least you can do. Really; don’t exceed the “least” you can do.

You haven’t gotten to the hard part yet.

Once the old unit is out of the way the new unit is sitting in its place you will need to make the connections. If it’s a gas water heater you should have called a professional. Gas is dangerous. Don’t even pretend you can do it yourself. You can’t. Neither can I so don’t call me.

If it’s electric you’re home free. Electricity is easy. Always remember these simple rules: black to black, green to green, white to white, ground all wires. Then call an electrician.

See, it’s easy.

Always get new flexible water line connections. The economy needs you. Spend money at every chance.

One of the hardest parts of home maintenance is you always find something the dufous before you did wrong. You think it’s easy to take out an old appliance and put a new one right back in the same spot, right? I always find a surprise. Something ain’t right. It’s always hidden so you find it right when you’re out of time to deal with it. For example: What kind of idiot puts the clausternoder on the framinstuzel when there’s a perfectly good brundisturper right on the end of the prestaimerwankle??? You need to fix that. Spend more money.

See if the old earthquake safety straps will fit the new unit. They won’t. But check anyway. You need to strap the unit to the studs because you want to make sure it tips over if your house is heavily damaged in the next quake. You’ll be watching the Alaska Way Viaduct collapse on YouTube anyway.

Once the hot and cold water lines are connected backward and the electrician has hooked up the power (or the gas technician) you should try it out. Take a shower. See, you didn’t wait for the 66 gallons of water to heat so the shower is ice cold. Ha ha, joke’s on you. Beside, since the water lines are backward you’ll have to change them anyway. In a few hours you’ll finally be able to take that shower you’ve been waiting for.

It only cost about double what it would to have a professional do the whole job. But you’re contributing to the economic recovery so pat yourself on the back. That is once your sore muscles allow you to move again.

Al