Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Wanta Lease A Floating Bridge?

A while back we talked about far away places buying some American highways and stuff. The Indiana Toll Road was leased for $3.8 billion. The Chicago Skyway was leased in 2005 for $1.8 billion for 99 years. And Mayor Daley leased 36,000 parking meters in Chicago for 75 years.


The benefit is local and state govs get lots of cash right away. The down side is other folks collect the income (tolls and parking fees). The thinking was that the investors would get steady cash income over long periods. Imagine how much the Skyway could make in tolls for 99 years. Or 36,000 parking meters.

However, apparently the people who lease these things also have to maintain them. That’s the point. The theory is a private investment group can be more efficient with managing the continuous repair and upgrading these items require.

The people who pay for these big leasing agreements are actually investment groups. If you have lots of cash (Republicans) and you want stable return you hand it over to some slick dude who promises huge returns. Most of these guys are in jail now so you need to look elsewhere.

Anyway, you invest you “hard earned” with one of these investment groups and they lease, oh, I don’t know, let’s say a floating bridge. Now they charge a toll to drive across that bridge. Out of that income they do three things: pay dividends to investors, maintain the bridge, and finance the replacement when it finally stops floating. Unless the lease agreement includes some forward tax dollars to help with maintenance. Who knows?

The big dollar lease payment they gave the “owners” is not repaid. As long as the investors (you rich folks) don’t pull your money out of the scheme the leasing company hums along fat, dumb, and happy. And you make a few bucks along the way. See, the original investment stays as is and the investment company manages the cash flow.

The point of all this is that I’m forming an investment group to lease the SR 520 Floating Bridge. I’m planning a toll for everyone. Big bucks to use my bridge, man.

Here’s my plan: Double deck with transit and car pools on the lower deck and general purpose on the upper. Transit will include light rail. Everyone will get the transponder and when they use our new bridge we’ll make money. I need six lanes on each deck to maximize tolls.

We’ll have busses and car pools on the lower deck along with all commercial passenger vehicles regardless of riders. Taxis and shuttle busses with only a driver will be required to use car pool lanes anyway. We’ll have iron clad rules and massive fines. Porches will be allowed to drive anywhere they want.

Diamond Ts will be restricted to upper deck. See I call big trucks Diamond T. That’s because when I was a little kid, before the internet, TV, and video games, I’d go to the city park in Manhattan, Kansas and watch the big rigs on Poyntz. I didn’t know all the different brands so I thought they were all Diamond T. Now when I see a big truck my head says “Diamond T.” Sometimes my mouth says it too.

This is one of those things where a brand name morphs into a generic name such as Kleenex or Coke. Another generic word I often use is “hooter.” I use that whenever I encounter an object but I can’t quickly recall the right noun. That hooter you fill with water and put flowers in, you know… a vase! Or that hooter that squirts gasoline into the cylinders of your runaway Toyota.

Well it turns out that there are some people who have appropriated the word “hooter” as a designation for their very own personal anatomical parts. And they get annoyed if I use their word. Well here’s my reply: people don’t own words. OK, maybe somebody owns Kleenex or Coke, but generally speaking you can’t personally own a word. I’ve used the word “hooter” as long as I can remember. So my message is “Don’t get your naganeters in a bunch just because I say ‘hooter.’”

Dang, now I have to go back and see what I was talking about. I don’t read this stuff very often some hang on a minute… dum de dum dum.

Oh yeah! Leasing infrastructure. Apparently that was all the rage a few years ago but now it’s lost its luster. The Port Elizabeth NJ shipping terminal was leased to Deutsche Bank in 2007. They wanted to sell their interest in the $2.1 billion investment for profit. But then world wide shipping sank and they took a $205 million charge after shifting the terminals to their corporate division. In other words it didn’t work out so well.

My plan is better. Since I don’t have a big bank I can’t pay $205 million even if I had to. So your money is safe with me. Just send it in and when I get enough I’ll lease the Lake Washington crossing now occupied but the SR520 Bridge and we’re off to the races. I’ll sink the old bridge and install my new 12 lane money maker and charge enormous tolls. What could possibly go wrong?

Al

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