Cell Phones Cause Cooties

A Maine legislator, Andrea, is proposing a bill that would require cell phones to carry radiation hazard warnings. All cell phones sold in Maine would fall under this bill. She says there’s scientific proof that cell phones cause cooties.


Well I know the girls in my first grade class had cooties and that was way before cell phones were invented. In fact I remember the day the teacher came in and told us some guy named Alex had invented the telephone. The girls squealed happily because they knew someday the cell phone would be invented. All they could talk about was how great it will be one day when they could hear their own special ring tones and before they could find the phone in the bottom of the purse it would quit.

Anyway, according to Time Magazine, the cell phone emits about a billionth of the radiation of a typical X-ray. So a visit to the dentist is the equivalent of a billion phone calls. Or a typical senior year in High School. Which is why we need the radiation hazard warning. It’ll be in the “Warning” section of the instruction manual with all the others.

Right up there with not taking the phone into the bath tub, disconnect the battery before and after every use, never chew gum while talking to your mom, keep your shoes tied, use a handkerchief, and never wax the primer coat. All very relevant to the safe and proper use of a cell phone.

In our state (to be renamed “Salish”) the legislature is upping the use of a cell phone while driving to a primary offense. That means if the radar spots a car going below the speed limit it alerts the officer to possible cell phone use. That can get you a ticket. Here’s a way to go broke: drive 15 mph under the speed limit alone in the HOT lane while eating a sandwich, putting on makeup, texting, using a cell phone, and ignoring the seatbelt.

Talking on a cell phone was a secondary offense before which meant you could only get a ticket if they caught you doing something else bad while yakking away. Now that’s all they need to nail you. “Hang on a minute while I see what this cop wants.” Or, “Officer, wait a sec. Can’t you see I’m on the phone?!”

The good news is you can talk all you want on our public transportation system. Just try it. Make sure you use the cell phone camera to capture the looks from your fellow passengers. Whoever you’re talking to will get a kick out of it.

Al