Let’s say you have a 30 year old rowboat that you are tired of rowing and would like to find a new way to make it go. That might be a five horse motor or a younger person to row for you.
What if this boat happens to be located around the Indiana area? It could happen, don’t be so skeptical.
Indiana requires a boat to be registered before it can be powered. Even if the power is a younger person rowing – unless it’s a relative and then I guess it’s OK.
A motor requires boat registration. Maybe that’s because Indiana has a horse law – anything that’s referred to as having “horse power” is a horse and therefore must have documents.
Where do we get these alleged documents? License Bureau. The state requires it so you go where the public directly interacts with the state. Man, even asking where shows you’re in for a long day.
Visiting the state license office is kind of a trick. See, Indiana is also out of money so they closed several of these license offices. That means everyone who needs to visit the state has only a few remaining locations.
When you finally find one you need to take a number. “Now serving Number 47” and your ticket is number 259. Don’t worry, it goes fast. 259 will be served by Thursday.
At the head of the line you announce that you have this rowboat that you’d like to power with a five horse motor. Fingerprints! The clerk asks the obvious question: “Do you now or have you ever had fingerprints?”
You answer in a non-committal way, “Maybe, why do you ask?”
This is mistake number one. Never try to evade a question asked by an Indiana State Government Employee. Wait, maybe it’s “Always ignore any question and repeat your first request.” Yeah that’s it.
The state employee patiently explains in small words and slow delivery that you need a birth certificate, Social Security card, and driver’s license from at least three different states or she’s calling the Indiana State Police.
You proudly announce in a voice that fills the whole room that you possess one of those new Washington State Enhanced Driver’s Licenses which you legally obtained with all of the above documents plus a note from President Obama saying it’s a matter of National Security and therefore it takes the place of that other stuff.
The clerk becomes even more patient and explains that Indiana does not recognize Washington as a state and showing a license from Washington State may get you arrested.
“Umm, Ok, sorry, just give me the forms and I’ll fill them out and bring them back whenever you say, your highness.” And the clerk says, “That’s better, and get a haircut, we have standards in Indiana.”
The trick here is to take these words of wisdom from this clerk and rethink your approach. Then locate another license office and try again. Right?
At the next place the clerk, who looks very much like the first one, Uses the “Force” to ask you point blank if you are trying to commit fraud. “We don’t take kindly to folks from the wild west here in Indiana.” You meekly admit that you were trying to fool Indiana into taking the $20 registration fee so you could put a five horse motor on an old rowboat and rob a bank. “Please forgive me.”
The clerk says everything will be fine if you call a police officer to come over and inspect the boat. The officer is the only person capable of copying the registration number onto a piece of paper. No ordinary American can do that.
Fine. You take that experience to the third license office (no other places in Indiana allow the public to speak with an actual state employee). Armed with the knowledge gained from the first two encounters you are pretty sure you have enough answers to satisfy the clerk at the third place. How hard could it be?
Well it was harder than the first two. The main issue was the third clerk couldn’t keep a straight face. Each time she (better looking than the first two but a definite family resemblance) tells you about some obscure and irrelevant requirement she giggles.
You finally accept the fact that some kind of police officer has to inspect the boat and copy the registration number on a sheet of paper. You briefly consider forging a police officer signature but realize that might be worse that the crime of putting a five horse motor on an unregistered $20 rowboat. So you finally accept the inevitable and call the local Sherriff.
The person who answers the phone has a voice surprisingly like all three of the license clerks and very clearly informs you, the caller, that she is only interested in your name and phone number. She could care less who claims to own the boat, the property owner where the boat is located, or anyone else involved in the boat registration conspiracy – she only cares who called her. Maybe that’s normal. That would be a first in this saga.
Then she says a deputy will be out within 48 hours to look at the boat and sign the magic paper that will eventually allow you to mount a five horse motor on your $20 boat. Oh, and the fee will be $20. That’s because there are no boats worth less than $100 and the fee is 20%. That’s government logic, so don’t question it.
Officer Brian arrives the next day. You could have knocked me over with a feather. I never expected they would actually do it. Anyway, Officer Brian stops by and fills out the paper in 27 seconds, signs it, and leaves. Doesn’t even knock on the door or turn on the lights and siren; just takes care of it and scrams.
So now we have this paper signed by an officer of the law. Now what? Well we take it back to the three clerks and get the boat registered.
Now for the hard part. The registration numbers on the boat have to be exactly what they say, size, color, placement, and applied with a specific glue that’s only approved for use in a marine environment in Indiana.
Are we intimidated? Of course. Just wait until the game warden spots this high crime motor launch cruising across a lake at 2.5 mph sporting a five horse turbo inducted mega flop power unit. We’ll all go to jail.
But we paid the $20 fee. So, everything’s OK. Never mind.
Besides, Indiana says people over 65 can fish without a license. OK, never mind again. People over 65 can put a five horse motor on an unregistered rowboat. And Indiana allows people over 65 to sign official documents as if they were police officers. That’s because Indiana is such a hard place to live that anyone who reaches 65 must have super powers and nobody wants to mess with them. It’s just those frontier hooligans from Washington State with their fake “Enhanced Driver’s Licenses” that they need to keep down.
Al
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