Today, April 1, 2008, a group of rich folks announced they will build a major sports facility in Seattle where the Seattle Sonics can play basketball. The arena will be called something like Emerald City Something Sports Complex. Anyway, a former Sonic, Fred Brown, is the spokesperson for the group. He says it won’t involve taxpayer funds but they do need support from leading politicians. Partly because they will continue to hold out some hope that taxpayers will be tricked into paying something.
This arena will be built at one of five potential locations. One is a waterfront pier. In other words, we could have a basketball arena on stilts in the water right in front of where the football and baseball teams play. Unfortunately it might get in the way of the Alaskan Way Tunnel/Viaduct reconstruction. Also the pier is in use right now so we’d have to find a new place for the Port of Seattle. Trivia. But let’s not get our centuries mixed up.
This announcement throws a spanner into plans to relocate the Sonics to Oklahoma City. The excuse Clay is using to take them out of Seattle is they have no decent arena to “play” in. I can’t see how we call it “play” when the people doing it get millions of dollars for every game!! But Everyone says Key Arena is not a viable basketball place; yada, yada, yada.
But enough whining. This group has put together a coalition of super rich local folks who want the basketball team to stay in Seattle. And here’s how they plan to do it:
Step one is to announce plans for a spanking new arena that will hold enough fans to pay the salaries of all the players at each game. That’s a lot of people, in case you wondered. Done, they announced it today.
Step two is to get the Washington State Supreme Court in Olympia (that’s what we call the city where Christine lives) to refuse to let the Sonics out of their lease at Key Arena. It doesn’t expire until 2010. Also the arena in Oklahoma City won’t be ready for a couple of years so that’s not so hard.
Step three, then, is to get Clay to sell the team to this group of super rich Seattle locals for about what he paid. Maybe less since they’ve been losing. That would give Clay the capital to buy the Knicks from New York.
Step four is to reveal the grand plans for the new Seattle Emerald Arena multipurpose sports complex to be located on the current site of the Pike Place Market. (The pier site was a red herring). This site will be chosen over the other four due to a 27 point evaluation of every site. The points include: access to downtown and a subjective analysis of what would be the best use of the site. Pike Place Market is an historic venue where many types of local produce, including Pacific seafood, are sold. It also has about a hundred quaint shops.
The city is currently moving heaven and earth to implement earthquake bracing and other structural and aesthetic improvements to the centuries old facility with little success. The Fred Brown group feels it’s ripe for official condemnation. They secretly think that if they named the new sports complex “Pike Place Market Memorial Emerald City Arena” or something they will get approval immediately. That way they can quickly begin demolishing the decrepit old market and constructing the new complex.
Step five is to get the Pike Place Market replacement concept challenged by a group of concerned citizens headed by Seattle’s mayor, Greg. How in the world could these puffed up blowfish even consider demolition of an icon of such historic significance?
Step six is to suddenly agree that it would be a travesty to tamper with Pike Place Market. “How could we have been so short sighted?” Or some such nonsense spewing forth from every member of the rich person coalition.
Step seven is to reluctantly announce that for the foreseeable future the Seattle Sonics will have to continue to play home games at Key Arena because all of the potential sites for a new arena have major history significance and therefore are ruled out.
Step eight – return to normal. The Sonics continue to lose money, games, and quality players while playing in Seattle’s Key Arena forever. Meanwhile, the Oklahoma City Knicks will win the NBA National Championship four years in a row, primarily with players who used to be with the Sonics.
OK, part of this is my April Fools Joke. Your challenge is to guess which part. Hint: it’s not the part about losing. I’m waiting!!!
Al
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