Once you reach a certain age, mine, it begins to dawn on you that the old machine needs more maintenance than seems reasonable. There are lots of pills and lots of “you shouldn’t be doing that anymore” advice.
One of the biggies is people seem to want to cut you. They say stuff like, “that has to be removed.” You wonder why and they say well if you let it go it will only get worse. Worse than what? Worse than spending an afternoon completely unconscious? Seems like a decent trade.
What usually follows is a thing called a “Pre-Op” visit with the doc. This is where they explain everything they plan to do and then tell you all the things that can go wrong. If it’s a lady doctor (a lot of them are) you don’t want to get caught whimpering as the “things that could go wrong” list grows.
Of course your first question is, “Is this going to hurt?” My doc said, “Well once I stuck myself with the needle but usually I don’t get hurt at all, thanks for asking.” Ha ha, old doc joke.
Next you visit the pharmacy to pick up a bag of post-op pain pills. These are controlled substances so (depending on what state you live in) have to sign something indicating you understand it’s illegal to share. Dang. But wait, I thought as soon as the bad thingy was removed I’d be fine. Why do I need 40 pounds of pain pills???
Recovery period! OK, let’s do it. That recovery period sounds kind of fun. Lay around day and night watching TV and popping illegal pills. Just how long do I get to do that?
Anyway, it’s over until the next time my doc needs a new car.
Speaking of medical insurance: the program I got shuffled into when I turned 65 is not as much fun as before. It’s now a “supplemental” program. What does that mean? It doubles the number of papers I get in the mail after each medical care event. But don’t even try to understand what they say. Just pay the $2.01 beside the big red “PAY THIS AMOUNT” line.
Oh, and I don’t write checks anymore. It’s cool. A few years ago I jumped on this online banking service. I just log on and fill in amounts beside the names of billers and the bank electronically transfers the money under my account number. It’s safe and a lot cheaper than buying stamps. You probably do that too.
However some of the places where I have accounts have instituted their own online payment systems. They email me a bill and want me to log onto their web site and pay it there. I won’t do that. Because the next step is “Well, Al, since you pay online why don’t you set an automatic withdrawal so we can just snatch money from your bank without bothering you?”
I silently say “Why don’t you forget it?” and then hit the “No thanks” key. I don’t know how everyone else does it. I know a lot of people still write checks and buy stamps. Some people even put outgoing payments in their mailboxes on the street. Not a good idea.
One thing I need to say: I know I’m not the only one ever to have stuff removed. Everyone gets to do that as a reward for living. I got excellent care and now I have plenty of popcorn left over (I used it for ice bags). I expect to be back walking and biking shortly. Except the rain has started again. There must be a surgery for that. Oh, yeah, I could wear a raincoat.
Anyway, to everyone who endures the indignity of having stuff chopped out of the body my hat is off. Whoops, my doc says I have to keep my hat on or she’ll cut me for a completely different reason. They just don’t let it go do they?
Al
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