Friday, March 23, 2012

Seattle Sonics back to School

Long ago, during the Franco-Prussian War, raiders from Oklahoma came to Seattle and took away our beloved basketball team.  Now the old Sonics are attempting to play under the pseudonym “Thumper” or something.  Trying to make it seem like a whole different team.

Also years ago we had an earthquake.   Earthquakes happen over and over again.  Kind of like acne.  Not real popular.

Scientists and scholars put their heads together and came up with a novel notion: “If it’s happened before it’ll probably happen again” is what they decided.  That was after years of study.  Sure enough it happened again.  Scientific people think about lots of things like this.

Once the engineers got hold of that information they began endless analysis of everything they had already engineered.  The result was that they announced that maybe millions of structures are at risk of crumbling to dust during earthquakes.  Except that most earthquakes are fairly localized (in California, for example) so lots of these risky structures will probably be Okay.

One result of this hysteria is that building codes and laws have been updated to require earthquake survivability.  Here’s where school comes in.

Determination was made that most of the old school buildings did not meet these earthquake requirements and must be replaced.  We’ve been replacing schools, libraries, hospitals, and car washes for many years.  Everywhere you look there’s a new school where an old one used to be.

One of the premier schools in the Greater Newcastle Metro Area is Bellevue High School.  They just opened the new earthquake proof version.  Amazingly it contains a basketball arena that can hold somewhat under 100,000 fans.  OK, maybe not that many.

Another development recently is that this guy from Seattle, who now lives in California, wants to get Seattle an earthquake proof pro-basketball franchise.  He bought some old warehouse buildings in the south part of Seattle near the baseball and football stadiums.  Together with several local citizens he wants to build a new arena and buy a team.  We also need a hockey team for some reason.  Maybe there aren’t enough fights in the other sports.

People in Bellevue have also been trying to figure out how to get a pro basketball franchise.  They picked several secret sites and began ruling them out one by one.  The conclusion was that Bellevue probably won’t get a team.

But wait!  We just built a new high school with a gymnasium.  Why not let them play there?  Most NBA Arenas hold under 100,000 fans.  We could steal the Nicks or the Clippers.

One resounding result of all this loose talk is that many local people are pretty excited.  They expect a new team momentarily.  The loss of a pro sports team is a traumatic event, similar to an earthquake.  Except that to recover from the loss of a pro sports team only requires the acquisition of a new pro sports team.  Many people in Seattle already own a green shirt (soccer).  Just tell us how to find the new arena and here we go!

Issues have to be resolved first.  For example nobody will build a new arena (the HS may not be acceptable) until there’s a firm commitment for a team.  We can’t get a firm commitment to obtain another team unless we have a world class arena.

The other big issue is that some people think it’s OK for the tax payers to help fund this new arena.  See, here’s the thing: way back when the grifters were working out how to sneak our team out of town one of the big points was that Seattle would have to make the existing basketball arena bigger.  There have already been upgrades and there was a great resistance to pay for yet another one.  It has probably reached the upgrade limit.  The alternative is to build a whole new one.  That costs money and nobody wants to spend it.

This leaves us in the same position.  Trying to figure out how to get the money and commitment to build a new arena while simultaneously securing a commitment for another team is really tricky.

The fans are chomping at the bit for a new team.  My solution is to buy one of the NCAA college teams.  They want to play in the NBA anyway, so why wait?  Include the coach and cheerleaders in the deal.  While we’re waiting for them to graduate we could be building an earthquake proof arena.  Mean time our new team could continue to play in the college arena. They’d be rich enough to pay someone else to take their classes.  That way they could devote all their time to pro basketball.

Now all we need to do is figure out which team to buy.  It would be rather efficient to buy the Washington Huskies since they already play in Seattle.  But those are details for the rich folks to work out.  I’m just the idea man.


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