Radio Ranch

One of the things regular readers may have noticed (both of you) is that the frequency of these reports has declined in recent months. Here’s my excuse: hair loss. No, wait, that’s the reason I wasn’t chosen as “Miss Lake Boren” once again this year. The reason I’ve been having writers’ block is National Politics – I don’t like writing about those people. But holy moly, they sure do some funny stuff. I just don’t think I want to be discussing National Politics along with a hundred million other National Politics Opinionated Nimrods. It’s covered; my voice won’t add anything.

And, if you remember any of my past musings you might have some inkling of my favorite subjects: construction, transit, transit construction, and news. One of my least favorite forms of “””NEWS””” is talk radio. This is where somebody with a bad case of the “mouth” gets paid to suffer his/her illness.

Obviously people who do this have a point of view. That’s fine. Each of us is entitled to a point of view. Just don’t try to convince me that yours is right and everyone else is wrong. That’s my point of view!

Here’s the way local radio is able to stay on the air: commercials. Companies get to say stuff on the radio and their fees pay others on the same station to say other stuff. For example a Cadillac dealer will buy a 60 second spot at 8:15 AM to remind commuters that for just $799 a month they could be stuck on I-5 in a really nice car. Right after that the talk radio person may spend six minutes screaming about how this country is being ruined by over priced gas guzzlers… “And now a traffic report from Sky King”

But the key to how much it costs for that commercial spot is the number of ears actually tuned in to that radio station. The price is based on “audience share.” If your station has a listening area that includes a million people there’s your problem.

Only about 10% of any region will even listen to a radio in this day of modern entertainment. The rest have CDs, iPods, teenagers, XM, and DVDs. This doesn’t include the ones on cell phones. That’s because being on a cell phone requires a second activity. If you’re sending text messages to 1,000 close personal friends you also need to be applying makeup. Hey, I don’t make the rules, Twitter does.

In the Seattle Radio market (probably the last in America) they’ve switched from the diary method of judging audience share to an electronic eavesdropping type method. Once you agree to allow one of these thingys to be surgically attached to you there is no way you can fake what you listen to.

And that’s the reason. Lots of radio folks complained that the diary method was subject to skewing due to natural bias. For example a person could mark in their diary that they listen to Buffalo Bob and Howdy Doody every day at 4:00. Never mind that it was a TV show in the 1950s not a radio show in … what year is it? What century is it?

The new gadget gives a more accurate reading. So I hook mine up to a radio that’s attached to a raccoon that comes to my house every night for cookies. He’s tuned to the 24 hour Landover Baptist station. It’s just my way of skewing the results.

OK, why do I care? Well, the radio station I listen to most often has traffic reports every 10 minutes 24 hours a day. The stuff in between is weather and some version of the news. Traffic reports in the Greater Newcastle Area are important because, like all of America, it’s still under construction. But the reason I care about commercials and market share is that A) my radio station has some of the most obnoxious commercials anywhere and B) if they don’t get enough revenue they may quit traffic reporting.

Here’s an example: this bean brain talks to a person named “Heather” who spouts management babble as if it’s actual information. Then he thanks her and tells me I have to buy something. I have grown to hate “Heather” or whatever her real name is.

Another one tells me I need to call a phone number right away and end my debt forever. Then they repeat the phone number 12 times. My estimation is that you take 100 as a “standard IQ” and divide it by the number of times they repeat the phone number – that’s the IQ of their target listener. In this case 8.5 (bet you didn’t think I could do the math).

Radio stations are in some of the same bind as print newspapers: too much other stuff competing for attention. Radio stations need to deliver what people want to hear. I want a traffic report when I embark on a journey across town. That’s all. I have my own entertainment and opinions.

Here’s a problem with that: radio isn’t the only source of traffic reports. Some people now get traffic reports on GPS. For a fee the GPS will tell them where the cell phone related traffic jam is and even make an effort to guide them around it. I don’t want to pay the fee. Besides, for only $799 a month I can sit in those backups in real comfort.

The point is radio stations are going the way of print newspapers. Sure we have a lot still on the air. More stations than we can sort out. Most modern car radios have presets for 20 stations (5 AM and 15 FM) plus tuners that find strong signals at the touch of a button. It’s hard to find a quiet place on the dial. But have you heard what passes for “commercials” lately. They keep sinking lower and lower.

Heather is only an example of the ones that burn me up. My problem is I have to listen or I’ll miss the next traffic report. So my head is filled with these stupid messages and endlessly repeated phone numbers that I have to call in order to receive my free sample of a “proven memory supplement” that I’ve already forgotten.

So I spend my time counting how many times they repeat the phone number to see what IQ they’re aiming at and hoping Heather learns a new management buzz word some day.

Then if I get my traffic report I return to the iPod. It’s way better than anything on the air these days. Oh, and my raccoon even figured out how to tune in another station because he said he just couldn’t take Pastor Deacon Fred’s 60 second sermons.
Al