Skeeters Always Win:

I’m talking about your standard categorical mosquito. Sure, it’s not something we really want to send up as a perennial winner, but the fact is they win a lot of the time.

Can you remember a time when you changed long standing plans because you got there and the mosquitoes were so bad you had to am-scray no matter what? Well, can you? The answer is “yes, I have” so don’t be coy. Or Hatfield either.

And here’s the way to combat the little fiends. Preparation. First you get a 3 ounce plastic container of skeeter repellant. TSA won’t let you carry any more, so don’t even try it. You can always buy a couple gallons at your destination and TSA lets you carry money so don’t sweat it.
But you need some with you to get to the store at that vacation spot.

Make sure you have a good quality head net that goes over your hat and keeps the little monsters off your face. It’s crucial. Once they attack your ears and eyes you lose all rational thought which means the skeeters win. As usual.

Once you get to the skeeter infested destination you really do need to stop at the fist store and buy up their supply of repellant and killer. They’ll be more than happy to let you have whatever you want for well over 10 times its real value. The State Department calls that “foreign aid” and they encourage it.

Making other countries happy by selling American travelers gallon sized containers of dishwashing soap labeled “Mosquito Repellent” is a State Department coup. “It’s amazing what people will buy,” commented Adolphus Contagleonous, retired US Agriculture Department analyst recently.
In any case get as much of the stuff as you can. Street vendors are probably a better source than those danged “official” vendors, especially if they display signs saying, “US Government Approved.” Dead giveaway.

Your best bet is to set fire to it when you reach the mosquito area. The toxic fumes will kill any flying insect or tourist. So hold your breath.

OK, the point is: don’t let yourself be bitten by indigenous insects. They carry the local disease. It’s nasty. I don’t care where you go, even Cleveland, it’s always a good idea to ware protection. Against insects, that is. In Cleveland you might want more than insect protection, but that’s your problem. I’m just saying don’t be too confident. Cleveland is a bad place.

Which brings us to basketball. The NBA Owners voted 28 to 2 to allow the Sonics to move from Seattle to Ok City. Why not?

Well, the main reason is the size of the market. Seattle couldn’t get tax money building a big arena where these rich crybabies could play basketball. Oklahoma City voters approved a tax package that allows vast improvements to Ford Arena, or whatever they call it, to allow thousands of “fans” to see the games. But I hear they have awesome BBQ. But you have to go to Oklahoma to get it. I think there’s some closer. They also have skeeters there.

At $120 a game that won’t last long. Even though there’s a lot of oil money in Oklahoma I doubt there are a lot of people ready to spend it. Only a few people are rich oil barons.

Is there a point? Well, yes, there might be… Over the years the main thrust of the NBA has been to load pay envelopes with lots of big bills in order to get ball games in certain cities. We know that a person like Kobe Bryant (#24 Los Angeles Lakers) gets as much money every year as whole families get in a career. But we still pay to see him.

Here’s news. You can see him on TV free (until Feb 9, 2009). But why would you?

Why does anyone watch Kobe and all the other overpaid hot shots of the NBA?

Well maybe we like to pretend we could do that. For example, I know I could drive a stock car 237 mph for 500 miles around an oval track but I can’t be bought for such a small price. If they offered a gazillion bucks for each win I might consider it. In basketball I could hit 23 three point shots in a row against any defense in the NBA but I’d need a good paycheck. I don’t want to waste my time for less than $100 million.

So, you see the issue? No? Well, maybe I should make it clearer.

Howard Schultz, of Seattle, the boss over at Starbucks, used to own the Seattle Sonics. He sold the team to Clay Bennett who lives in Oklahoma City. Clay announced he had no intension of moving the team to Ok City.

Howard thought that was fine. He could see professional basketball from his super fancy Starbucks box seat at Key Arena any time he wanted. Ticket price was not an issue since he’s rich.

Clay and a few partners in Oklahoma want to have a basketball team near their houses so they can see Kobe play. See the connection? So they’ve paid hundreds of millions for permanent season tickets. For that they want the team to actually play in their home town.

Now Howard wants the team back. He wants to see them play near his home too. So it’s going to court. So is Seattle. So is the NBA. Guess what? Tax money pays for the courts and judges. So we get stuck anyway.

Why can’t we just toss a skeeter net over the whole bunch?

Al

See Blog at: http://lbrtr.blogspot.com/

Episode 100:

OK, I’m back where you don’t get teaspoons in your ice tea again. The world seems OK with that and the rain continues. But the Sonics won their last “home” game just in time for the Dalai Lama to take over Key Arena. Seems fitting. Nothing like a peaceful departure.

Here’s something I don’t get: we have wars and starvation in many parts of the world, lots of economic issues here in America, and other things way too annoying for this report. Why in the world do some people get out of bed to protest the Dalai Lama? If people want to hit the streets and wave signs and yell stupid stuff I have a whole list of real issues.

But let’s get back to the subject. This is the 100th episode of this report. I know you may not realize it. You may be saying, “Gee, I thought it was more like a thousand…” But I keep track. It’s called “version control” among the literary community. Rather than come up with a unique new name we just use the same name and add a version number. So this is report version 100. Let’s go.

April is the month Renton has planned to close Duvall Avenue. I need to verify that, but I expect it’s closed by now. Since Newcastle doesn’t have its own post office, people who want to mail their tax returns at the last second have to go the Renton or Bellevue. Except for those who already got them mailed. But who are we kidding? It’s not due until midnight, right? So we need to figure out how to get to Renton sometime after 11. No biggie. Right?

Speaking of Renton; their School District has announced they want to sell a ten acre plot of land currently occupying a spot near Lake Boren in Newcastle. They say it’s too small to build a school. And it’s not IN Renton. Worse, if they built a school it would be across the lake from the huge Lake Boren Transit Center. Which means a light rail line could cut right through the cafeteria. So they want to sell it.

I’m going to submit a bid. My bid will be pretty low, since I don’t really want it. But if I get it I’ll sell it to the US Postal Service. Since it’s not where Newcastle considers the core business area it would be acceptable to have a drive up mailbox. Except there aren’t any streets into the plot right now. But there’s a hiking trail. It could work. Remember walkup mail boxes?

The Coal Creek Parkway project is on schedule (allegedly). At least according to the Newcastle News. They’re still blasting and digging out the hillside east of the right of way. It looks like a very big job and I was wondering why they don’t use one of those big earth movers like they use in strip mines.

Well it turns out there’s a world wide shortage of giant rubber tires. People are digging in old mine dumps and hauling the worn out tires in for retreading. An old worn out tire that cost $20,000 new is selling for $150,000 as is. And it may not be good enough to retread. About one in twenty old casings are good enough. Anyway, that’s why we don’t see big earth movers chomping away at that Newcastle hillside. Tire shortage.

The South Lake Union Trolley (SLUS) had a passenger last week. He got a free balloon. Their goal for April is to get one passenger each week. For May it’s going to double. We wish them luck.
The eastside rail corridor that BNSF is selling has more people braying about using it for commuter trains. As I pointed out before the real reason BNSF is selling the line is the cost of improving all the grade crossings to federal safety standards.

If they elevated the line to go over the streets it would cost just as much as building a new line from scratch. That is if they could get the adjacent property owners to allow it. And the Bellevue Trestle is 100 years old and the feds would never allow 15 passenger trains a day to hurtle across that at 50 mph. Also, it’s currently a single track so they’d have to add sidings so the trains could pass each other. Sound safe to you? Me neither. Then there are the freeway crossing points. Hooeee.

But these people have chosen to ignore those issues. They want to spend some money and form a corporation to spend more money. One very large problem is it seems to make sense. The track is still there and it could handle heavy freight so why not light passenger trains?

They say 15 trips a day would not be excessive. But if you had to drive on NE 8th Street each morning and evening I bet you’d be very unhappy if you had to stop for an empty passenger train. And the feds would insist that they build an overpass which would close the street during construction. But don’t worry; nobody has the money for that so it won’t happen.

I’m just happy these people are making such a racket because it’s fun to watch. On the other hand when reality sets in the whole idea will go “poof” and my fun will be over. But there’s always the SLU(T)S.

Speaking of watching: the sinking piers on the Alaska Way Viaduct are allegedly now shored up enough to hold until 2012 when Christine and her bulldozer knock it down. If they sell tickets I plan to buy one. Maybe a dozen.

The LINK light rail line to Sea-Tac is nearing completion. They built a massive station in the sky on Highway 99 near the airport. It has a big cement water drop complete with splash. Sculpture. Art. Beauty. Something to stare at. There’s 20 foot a teaspoon nearby I bet. Oh, wait, I always lose so I guess the teaspoon is out.

Al

Elliott Bay Boat Races

The Port of Seattle announced that 1500 cruise ships, more or less, will dock in Seattle this season. Although most will go to Alaska once a week there are some that will do some experimental local cruising.
We don’t expect to see any of these monsters in our lakes and streams but we do expect to see at least one parked next to the Alaskan Way Viaduct at any given time.

It takes a surprising amount of toil and coordination to make these things work. They have to get the passengers out of the airport, train, bus, trolley, and boat terminals and deliver them and their luggage to the ship. They also have to clean out the ship, change the sheets, reload the food locker, empty the tip jars, and hire a new captain once a week.

Watching the non-stop loading ballet is entertaining, too. If they mess up just a little it can delay departure and that is a travesty. I know where I’ll be a couple times this summer.

The reason everyone is so excited about this is the fresh money they think we’ll get. And there’s something to that. When you consider one ship holds 5000 passengers and three times that many crew (if you count the wine stewards) you can see that a lot of stuff will be purchased in Seattle.

Not to mention wine. Gallons of it. Barrels even. We need a pipeline. I’m pretty sure the State DOT won’t let them haul too much wine on the roads unless they have plenty of brake shoes. So the auto parts stores will do well. See how these things mushroom? It’s a bonanza. Seattle hasn’t seen this much potential cash since the Alaska Gold Rush.

Heck, we might get enough money to build a new basketball arena. OK, now I’m exaggerating.
Anyway, Elliott Bay will get more crowded. We have big container ships, bulk grain ships, and cargo barges already. We also have thousands of fishing boats and private recreation boats. Then there are ferries, harbor tours, and lots of official boats, tugs, and Coast Guard. The Navy likes to run some of its big ships now and then. Add a bunch of cruise ships and we’ll have lots of free entertainment.

And that means a little friendly competition between the ships. When you get too many ships for the number of open docks they have to work harder to get there first. Last week I saw a race between one of our leaky ferries and a container ship. But just wait! It’s going to get even better when Norwegian, Carnival, Cunard, Celebrity, Holland America, and Princess are all trying to crowd the ferry boats for dock space. Maybe I don’t want to watch after all.

Al

Astounding News in Sports:

Today, April 1, 2008, a group of rich folks announced they will build a major sports facility in Seattle where the Seattle Sonics can play basketball. The arena will be called something like Emerald City Something Sports Complex. Anyway, a former Sonic, Fred Brown, is the spokesperson for the group. He says it won’t involve taxpayer funds but they do need support from leading politicians. Partly because they will continue to hold out some hope that taxpayers will be tricked into paying something.

This arena will be built at one of five potential locations. One is a waterfront pier. In other words, we could have a basketball arena on stilts in the water right in front of where the football and baseball teams play. Unfortunately it might get in the way of the Alaskan Way Tunnel/Viaduct reconstruction. Also the pier is in use right now so we’d have to find a new place for the Port of Seattle. Trivia. But let’s not get our centuries mixed up.

This announcement throws a spanner into plans to relocate the Sonics to Oklahoma City. The excuse Clay is using to take them out of Seattle is they have no decent arena to “play” in. I can’t see how we call it “play” when the people doing it get millions of dollars for every game!! But Everyone says Key Arena is not a viable basketball place; yada, yada, yada.

But enough whining. This group has put together a coalition of super rich local folks who want the basketball team to stay in Seattle. And here’s how they plan to do it:

Step one is to announce plans for a spanking new arena that will hold enough fans to pay the salaries of all the players at each game. That’s a lot of people, in case you wondered. Done, they announced it today.

Step two is to get the Washington State Supreme Court in Olympia (that’s what we call the city where Christine lives) to refuse to let the Sonics out of their lease at Key Arena. It doesn’t expire until 2010. Also the arena in Oklahoma City won’t be ready for a couple of years so that’s not so hard.

Step three, then, is to get Clay to sell the team to this group of super rich Seattle locals for about what he paid. Maybe less since they’ve been losing. That would give Clay the capital to buy the Knicks from New York.

Step four is to reveal the grand plans for the new Seattle Emerald Arena multipurpose sports complex to be located on the current site of the Pike Place Market. (The pier site was a red herring). This site will be chosen over the other four due to a 27 point evaluation of every site. The points include: access to downtown and a subjective analysis of what would be the best use of the site. Pike Place Market is an historic venue where many types of local produce, including Pacific seafood, are sold. It also has about a hundred quaint shops.

The city is currently moving heaven and earth to implement earthquake bracing and other structural and aesthetic improvements to the centuries old facility with little success. The Fred Brown group feels it’s ripe for official condemnation. They secretly think that if they named the new sports complex “Pike Place Market Memorial Emerald City Arena” or something they will get approval immediately. That way they can quickly begin demolishing the decrepit old market and constructing the new complex.

Step five is to get the Pike Place Market replacement concept challenged by a group of concerned citizens headed by Seattle’s mayor, Greg. How in the world could these puffed up blowfish even consider demolition of an icon of such historic significance?

Step six is to suddenly agree that it would be a travesty to tamper with Pike Place Market. “How could we have been so short sighted?” Or some such nonsense spewing forth from every member of the rich person coalition.

Step seven is to reluctantly announce that for the foreseeable future the Seattle Sonics will have to continue to play home games at Key Arena because all of the potential sites for a new arena have major history significance and therefore are ruled out.

Step eight – return to normal. The Sonics continue to lose money, games, and quality players while playing in Seattle’s Key Arena forever. Meanwhile, the Oklahoma City Knicks will win the NBA National Championship four years in a row, primarily with players who used to be with the Sonics.

OK, part of this is my April Fools Joke. Your challenge is to guess which part. Hint: it’s not the part about losing. I’m waiting!!!

Al